Self-Preservation

I did something today that I should've done almost 2 months ago. My co-worker Scott (the one who acts like he's my husband) has been dumping on me since I let him tell me all about his issues with his wife. When he overshared last week by telling me "my 0 for '07 is over" (meaning his wife finally gave him the cookies for the first time since before Xmas), I knew we'd gotten entirely too close.

He's been coming to my office and giving me the play by play on his interactions with his wife ever since she got here a few weeks ago. After a meeting on Tuesday, I realized it was just too much. He admitted to me and my boss that he's been bringing his issues to work and dumping them, and sometime last night I realized he's been dumping on me...at my expense. So today, I shut him out.

He came to my office as usual, wanting to tell me whatever it was about his interactions with Buffy last night, but I redirected him to business topics only. When he tried to get into our usual groove of banter, I ignored him. Over lunch, he tried teasing me, tempting me to get back into our debate relationship, but I changed the subject. By late afternoon, he resorted to throwing paper at me as I worked at my desk (a "cute" little thing we've been doing for a while now). I didn't respond. He finally stood in my doorway and said, "You're no fun today."

"You'll be alright," I replied without looking away from my computer screen.

"You suck!" he exclaimed.

"Is there something I can help you with?" I asked without batting an eye or turning my head. He just walked away.

I've let him dump on me for way too long. I knew something was wrong after he divulged the details of his marital problems a couple of months ago and I came home angry without even being sure why I was angry. It took me a couple of hours, but I finally realized I was angry because he'd taken my kindness and compassion for granted. Yes I care that he's going through changes with his wife, but I was really angry with myself that day for not putting a stop to his emotional dump. I've been letting him unload his toxic emotions for too long, but I'm finally putting a stop to it.

I'm sure that after a few days in my shade he'll wonder why I'm not playing with him any more. He may even ask me if he's done something wrong. Either way, at some point I'm just going to tell him:

"I'm sorry you're going through these things with your wife. It's a shitty situation that I'm all too familiar with since I went through it with my husband. I feel for you both, but I feel for myself more. I'm cancelling my subscription because I no longer need your issues. I'm not going to enable you any more by letting you dump your problems on me. By the way, here's the number to the EAP."

I find this ironic because I did this to a co-worker of mine when I lived in NO. She tried to help me, but eventually moved away leaving me to have to choose what I was going to do with my toxic feelings about my unhealthy relationship with the SJA. I found someone else to dump on. Now I realize, "What comes around goes around." Hopefully my brother Scott will end things sooner than I did when he's on the receiving end. And this is what compassion while exercising self-preservation looks like.