Where Real Love Comes From

I had a crying moment today. I was on my way home from the gym, listening to my recently purchased Justin Timberlake cd, soaking up the words of track 5 (Love Stoned/I Think She Knows Interlude) when it hit me...how did I not know? How did I not know FOR EIGHT YEARS that the jack@$$ I was sleeping with was only interested in me for casual sex?! Hindsight is 20/20 vision because in that moment the whole relationship became so clear to me.

I could see the reasons he only took me out alone on one date (and that was with my child), and after that always invited other people along, then wanting to either come over or have me over for sex at the end of the night. When I caught on and protested the group outings (aka, started fights with him when we were out with other people), I told him we couldn't go out with each others' friends hoping he'd start asking me out on more dates. Instead, he'd go out with his friends and call me for sex at the end of the night...or he'd go out & ask me if I was going out as well, hoping to run into me and we'd end up having sex at the end of the night.

I could see why he didn't bother to give me birthday, Christmas, or Valentine's Day presents (after I gave him a few I stopped, not wanting to be taken advantage of financially)...that would elevate the relationship to a more romantic level.

I could see why he never openly objected to me seeing (even sleeping) with other people...that would make him a hypocrite if he didn't stop doing what he was doing (even though he didn't want me to see or sleep with other men).

I could see why he was never put any effort into introducing me to his friends and was never that interested in meeting my friends, let alone getting to know them. I wasn't significant enough to him to be a part of his life outside the bedroom.

I could see why he rarely told me details of his life before me, and hardly ever asked about mine. He didn't want me to know who he was and didn't want to know who I was...he was satisfied with the limited idea he had of me in his own mind. To know more might mean having to acknowledge the wounded parts of me that allowed him to treat me with so little respect since I obviously had none for myself to continue the relationship.

In that moment, through my tears, I could see clearly how little I meant to him...but I was crying because I'd been so blind for so long. I spent 8 years feeding his ego with my love, oblivious to the injury his lack of respect was causing my own low self-esteem all because I was LOVE STONED and stuck in a cycle of love addiction perpetuated by the crack love he dealt to me. But the part that made me weep was because he knew and thought I was okay with it. Who would take advantage of someone like that?! Certainly not a person of strong integrity and character.

So what ended the crying moment? What stopped the tears? When did I look up and thank God? When I realized what had to happen for me to end it...Two Nights In Rome with Espen Osterberg and experiencing true intimacy for the first time. To finally know the difference between unhealthy love highs and real non-sexual intimacy. After that, I was a different woman.

I'm not sure I'll ever fully trust myself in a romantic relationship again. I don't ever want to be an addict again. Maybe this time in IA is time for me to detox and learn to trust God when it comes to love...that's where real love comes from anyway.