Fear Factor
I've just come home from a long holiday weekend with my family and I'm feeling renewed. Armed with my newly honed skills of conflict disarmament (i.e. biting my tongue, changing the subject, not taking certain family members quirks personally) I managed to have a relaxing time and it ended with one of the most drama-free times in my life. The only element that could qualify as drama was my ex-boyfriend's repeated visits to see me at my sister's home.
Before I left I knew he was going home to see about his mother (she had a stroke a while back and has been in a hospice ever since), and with my recent move to IA and away from the jack@$$, I became a "free woman" (not that I wasn't already but...) in his mind. He was obviously insecure about his importance in my world, likely to be reflected in my family's reception of him into our holiday activities given that he's still living with the woman he's been with since I broke up with him 13 years ago. My family was kind and gave us our space.
He & I talked late into the night on Thanksgiving about his family (both nuclear & adopted) and his ever so bright future in the upper echelons of the company for which we both now work. I could tell he was feeling me out about whether I'd be willing to marry him if he left her. Needless to say, it made me uncomfortable on so many levels. Being the good friend that I am, I coached him through his decision making process which included reminding him that I'm doing "my thing" and if he's thinking of leaving her for me he's leaving for the wrong reason.
We talked about what I absolutely must have in a mate & I told him I have a list of "must haves & can't stands". He inquired about what's on my lists & I told him that at the top of my "must haves" list is intelligence (reasons I didn't bother to reply to Mr. Beige when he tried to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving). My ex definitely has intelligence, which is one thing I really love about him...by being around him, he reminds me I'm not the smartest person in the room and that takes a lot of the pressure off me during family gatherings. He asked what was next on the list and I told him, "integrity...the man that I'm with must have integrity." That was re-emphasized when I asked him what he planned to do about his live in girlfriend. The can was open and the not so nice stuff squirmed out.
He wants to leave her because they're having a tough time. Besides the adopted family challenges they've been facing with her children (her oldest [17] just made them grandparents earlier this year & they've just put the younger daughter [16] out for misbehavior), she's been permanently disabled for a while now. In his words, "between the sickle cell, diabetes, & depression, she'll never be able to work again so she's collecting an SSI check from the government." I felt for him but reminded him that he's been with her for 13 years, and the hard times are going to happen. He told me that they just seemed too long. I told him that my parents have been married for almost 45 years, and sometimes the hard times last a decade. He said one reason he wanted to leave was because his biological clock has started ticking. He wants a child of his own and she can't give him children (he'll be 40 in a few years). Sigh.
I told him that leaving her now, after raising her children and living with her for 13 years without marrying her would make him more of a cad. He looked at me to say, "don't you think I know that?!" I asked him why he didn't think of this sooner and reminded him that we had this conversation 9 years ago. I asked him about the children thing then, to which he replied, "I thought her children would be enough. Is that an 'I told you so!' I just heard," he asked with a hint of hurt in his voice.
"You know, sometimes people think I say and do things with some random crazyness going on in my mind, but I'm actually way ahead of everyone else. If you & I had stayed together and gotten married, with my personalilty I probably would've always wondered what else was out there and ended up cheating on you and hurting you, permanently damaging our friendship. So even though at the time everyone thought I was crazy, I was doing what I thought was best for us, and I preserved the friendship. I asked you that then with the same thing in mind. It's not so much an I told you so as it is a recognition that I was thinking faster than every one else." He acknowledged my foresight and we sighed in stereo.
Later in the weekend during one of our typically family discussions, his visits came up and the debate began. As is the custom in our family, we talked about family members' relationships, specifically my 19 year old nephew and his girlfriend. Having recently graduated from high school, they're enduring their first true separation from each other which has ignited some anxiety and insecurity with my nephew. He doesn't want to see other people and had called me for counsel within the last couple of weeks. I shared this with the family, but somehow my ex came up and everyone had an opinion on the messy situation, but my father said it best [and I'm paraphrasing & translating from Frank's english to my ears]:
"I was going through the house and found a lot of pictures of the two of you when you were together and he was melting over you and you could've cared less. You made a mistake when you let him go before, but if he's coming back now and wanting to be with you he clearly really loves you and you'd be making a big mistake again to let him go. He's obviously a corporate man and thinking about his future [according to my new Brazilian friend, his live in girlfriend practically doesn't exist in his business life] and neither one of you is going to find someone as good for you as the other. {Insert my name here}, you need to get off your high horse and accept that perfect doesn't exist. By the way, what's going on with your face? You have so many marks on your face!" [I've had a recent bout of adult acne which happens every time I move to a new place, multiplied with my bad habit of picking at scars].
All that being said, I think he needs to be on his own for a while and figure out what he truly wants without someone waiting in the wings because his behavior has exemplified serial monogamy. I may be a free spirit, but it seems he's afraid of being alone...whether it be because of bad times or business implications. Either way, we need to find each other through God's plan...the last time I checked, God's plan didn't have a fear factor.
Before I left I knew he was going home to see about his mother (she had a stroke a while back and has been in a hospice ever since), and with my recent move to IA and away from the jack@$$, I became a "free woman" (not that I wasn't already but...) in his mind. He was obviously insecure about his importance in my world, likely to be reflected in my family's reception of him into our holiday activities given that he's still living with the woman he's been with since I broke up with him 13 years ago. My family was kind and gave us our space.
He & I talked late into the night on Thanksgiving about his family (both nuclear & adopted) and his ever so bright future in the upper echelons of the company for which we both now work. I could tell he was feeling me out about whether I'd be willing to marry him if he left her. Needless to say, it made me uncomfortable on so many levels. Being the good friend that I am, I coached him through his decision making process which included reminding him that I'm doing "my thing" and if he's thinking of leaving her for me he's leaving for the wrong reason.
We talked about what I absolutely must have in a mate & I told him I have a list of "must haves & can't stands". He inquired about what's on my lists & I told him that at the top of my "must haves" list is intelligence (reasons I didn't bother to reply to Mr. Beige when he tried to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving). My ex definitely has intelligence, which is one thing I really love about him...by being around him, he reminds me I'm not the smartest person in the room and that takes a lot of the pressure off me during family gatherings. He asked what was next on the list and I told him, "integrity...the man that I'm with must have integrity." That was re-emphasized when I asked him what he planned to do about his live in girlfriend. The can was open and the not so nice stuff squirmed out.
He wants to leave her because they're having a tough time. Besides the adopted family challenges they've been facing with her children (her oldest [17] just made them grandparents earlier this year & they've just put the younger daughter [16] out for misbehavior), she's been permanently disabled for a while now. In his words, "between the sickle cell, diabetes, & depression, she'll never be able to work again so she's collecting an SSI check from the government." I felt for him but reminded him that he's been with her for 13 years, and the hard times are going to happen. He told me that they just seemed too long. I told him that my parents have been married for almost 45 years, and sometimes the hard times last a decade. He said one reason he wanted to leave was because his biological clock has started ticking. He wants a child of his own and she can't give him children (he'll be 40 in a few years). Sigh.
I told him that leaving her now, after raising her children and living with her for 13 years without marrying her would make him more of a cad. He looked at me to say, "don't you think I know that?!" I asked him why he didn't think of this sooner and reminded him that we had this conversation 9 years ago. I asked him about the children thing then, to which he replied, "I thought her children would be enough. Is that an 'I told you so!' I just heard," he asked with a hint of hurt in his voice.
"You know, sometimes people think I say and do things with some random crazyness going on in my mind, but I'm actually way ahead of everyone else. If you & I had stayed together and gotten married, with my personalilty I probably would've always wondered what else was out there and ended up cheating on you and hurting you, permanently damaging our friendship. So even though at the time everyone thought I was crazy, I was doing what I thought was best for us, and I preserved the friendship. I asked you that then with the same thing in mind. It's not so much an I told you so as it is a recognition that I was thinking faster than every one else." He acknowledged my foresight and we sighed in stereo.
Later in the weekend during one of our typically family discussions, his visits came up and the debate began. As is the custom in our family, we talked about family members' relationships, specifically my 19 year old nephew and his girlfriend. Having recently graduated from high school, they're enduring their first true separation from each other which has ignited some anxiety and insecurity with my nephew. He doesn't want to see other people and had called me for counsel within the last couple of weeks. I shared this with the family, but somehow my ex came up and everyone had an opinion on the messy situation, but my father said it best [and I'm paraphrasing & translating from Frank's english to my ears]:
"I was going through the house and found a lot of pictures of the two of you when you were together and he was melting over you and you could've cared less. You made a mistake when you let him go before, but if he's coming back now and wanting to be with you he clearly really loves you and you'd be making a big mistake again to let him go. He's obviously a corporate man and thinking about his future [according to my new Brazilian friend, his live in girlfriend practically doesn't exist in his business life] and neither one of you is going to find someone as good for you as the other. {Insert my name here}, you need to get off your high horse and accept that perfect doesn't exist. By the way, what's going on with your face? You have so many marks on your face!" [I've had a recent bout of adult acne which happens every time I move to a new place, multiplied with my bad habit of picking at scars].
All that being said, I think he needs to be on his own for a while and figure out what he truly wants without someone waiting in the wings because his behavior has exemplified serial monogamy. I may be a free spirit, but it seems he's afraid of being alone...whether it be because of bad times or business implications. Either way, we need to find each other through God's plan...the last time I checked, God's plan didn't have a fear factor.
posted by N'j at 9:29 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home