The Chorus of My Life
What can I say about today? I was greeted with candy by plant leadership in an attempt to lighten our spirits. I called my new Brazilian friend to congratulate her on the purchase of her first home in the US. She told me my first love (whom she ran into last week) has only good things to say about me. This evening I spent a little time with one of the plant business leaders talking about different things, including the fact that Brian (the one I had in mind but hadn't met when I broke up with my first love) is now working on buying his first home. [Now? After he's just broken up with his girlfriend?!] She told me she tried to convince him to take two different open management jobs here in IA but he came up with b.s. reasons why he couldn't (I think Carlos is selfishly encouraging him to stay in NO).
I thought about my best friend (the one I spent the last week with in DC) and her question to me the day after I had a dream about B. (which she didn't know about): "Was Brian the one who got away?" considering we had an amazing and intimate friendship (very similar to what I had for those brief but intense long distance 6 months in 2005 with Espen the Norwegian). My reply? "No. He's 'what else was out there' when I thought there was something better than my first love. I just never thought I was good enough for B. I always thought I'd end up with Walter," referring to my first love. "I gave up on Brian a long time ago. Besides, things are so messed up now that Brian & Carlos are friends, there's no chance that it would ever work out."
This evening my new Brazilian friend told me Walter is going to Brazil on business in the next few months (he's soooo getting a nastygram from me for not telling me) and that no one knows he has a live in girlfriend that's he's been with for over a decade. "She must not be that important to him," she said. Maybe not, but that doesn't mean that I am just because he asked about me." I'll certainly think about him over the Christmas holidays while I'm in Brazil (if I go).
My favorite song right now is "How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I bought the cd today and am marinating on the lyrics. In the chorus the singer croons,
"Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."
If I'd loved myself enough, I would've never broken up with Walter wondering what else was out there because I would've known that what my mother recently told me is so true, "Perfect doesn't exist." If I'd loved myself enough, I would've never thought that Carlos was a better choice than Brian because I would've seen that the numbers didn't matter when it comes to good choices (so what if Carlos was older & owned a home...eventually B. would catch up and will likely pass Carlos in the game of Life). If I'd loved myself enough, I wouldn't have spent 8 years of my life trying to make a life with Carlos, a man who only loves himself when he's hurting and dominating others. The thing is, I know I'm rambling...but the chorus of my life is "Love yourself". That's the only way to save a life.
I thought about my best friend (the one I spent the last week with in DC) and her question to me the day after I had a dream about B. (which she didn't know about): "Was Brian the one who got away?" considering we had an amazing and intimate friendship (very similar to what I had for those brief but intense long distance 6 months in 2005 with Espen the Norwegian). My reply? "No. He's 'what else was out there' when I thought there was something better than my first love. I just never thought I was good enough for B. I always thought I'd end up with Walter," referring to my first love. "I gave up on Brian a long time ago. Besides, things are so messed up now that Brian & Carlos are friends, there's no chance that it would ever work out."
This evening my new Brazilian friend told me Walter is going to Brazil on business in the next few months (he's soooo getting a nastygram from me for not telling me) and that no one knows he has a live in girlfriend that's he's been with for over a decade. "She must not be that important to him," she said. Maybe not, but that doesn't mean that I am just because he asked about me." I'll certainly think about him over the Christmas holidays while I'm in Brazil (if I go).
My favorite song right now is "How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I bought the cd today and am marinating on the lyrics. In the chorus the singer croons,
"Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."
If I'd loved myself enough, I would've never broken up with Walter wondering what else was out there because I would've known that what my mother recently told me is so true, "Perfect doesn't exist." If I'd loved myself enough, I would've never thought that Carlos was a better choice than Brian because I would've seen that the numbers didn't matter when it comes to good choices (so what if Carlos was older & owned a home...eventually B. would catch up and will likely pass Carlos in the game of Life). If I'd loved myself enough, I wouldn't have spent 8 years of my life trying to make a life with Carlos, a man who only loves himself when he's hurting and dominating others. The thing is, I know I'm rambling...but the chorus of my life is "Love yourself". That's the only way to save a life.
posted by N'j at 9:31 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home