The Over 40 Years
Since my ex-boyfriend's (aka, my first love) visit last week, I've been thinking about the possibilty of us changing our lives and being together. His revelation that the decision he made to be in the relationship he's in and accepting his significant's daughters as his own (given she can't have any more children) recently hit him pretty hard. When we talked about it 9 years ago, he thought they'd be enough. As of late, he's been wanting a child of his own. Seeing me holding my niece last week left him reminiscent of the life we once thought we'd share. I kissed my niece and said, "She's my daughter. Thanks to my sister, I don't have to have any more children. I have Shorty & her...and I can visit her without having to raise her." "Maybe one more," he said with a twinkle in his eye. I cringed at the thought of starting over but thought to myself that if there was anyone I'd have another child with, it'd be him. "Maybe," I said.
Since he hinted that he was interested in us working things out, I've been thinking about it ever since. In my mind, I've gone over the changes to my life and career we'd have to make for it to happen. I'm in the midst of having to decide on my career goals for the next couple of years, which will determine the path my life takes. I called to consult him and hinted at our last conversation. He let me know that he's unavailable and I've got a lot of heavy decisions to make. I took that as confirmation that our last conversation was just him having a "grass is greener" moment and he's decided to stay put instead of following through on the pie in the sky changes we'd talked about.
On the way home I ran into a train that I knew was longer than what I wanted to sit and watch pass. Instead of waiting, I turned around to go another route in hopes of beating the train. I ran into another train which was thankfully shorter. As soon is it finished crossing, the same train I'd detoured to pass came just as the shorter train finished. I idled and thought about how symbolic it was of my impatience with relationships. As I made my way over the tracks it hit me: I don't want to wake up 40 and alone!
My first encounter with the first train was the time I'd have needed to wait to have been ready for a relationship with my first love. The second train was Brian, but the second encounter with the first train was me having to start the wait clock over as I went through my relationship with Don Carlos the jack@$$. I know I've been picky over the years (reasons I broke up with my first love), but I'm beginning to realize I've got to change the way I think about things and be patient or I'm going to end up spending the next 8 years looking for a way around the wait and running into the same train over and over again and possibly end up 40 and alone.
Although I'm often mistaken for a 25 year old, I need to stop thinking and acting like one when it comes to a significant other. I can no longer afford to be picky thinking I still have time to find and attact a partner I'd want to spend my over 40 years with. I need to change or I'm going to end up at 40 the way I am now at 32...impatient, alone, and still changing routes in search of a shorter path.
Since he hinted that he was interested in us working things out, I've been thinking about it ever since. In my mind, I've gone over the changes to my life and career we'd have to make for it to happen. I'm in the midst of having to decide on my career goals for the next couple of years, which will determine the path my life takes. I called to consult him and hinted at our last conversation. He let me know that he's unavailable and I've got a lot of heavy decisions to make. I took that as confirmation that our last conversation was just him having a "grass is greener" moment and he's decided to stay put instead of following through on the pie in the sky changes we'd talked about.
On the way home I ran into a train that I knew was longer than what I wanted to sit and watch pass. Instead of waiting, I turned around to go another route in hopes of beating the train. I ran into another train which was thankfully shorter. As soon is it finished crossing, the same train I'd detoured to pass came just as the shorter train finished. I idled and thought about how symbolic it was of my impatience with relationships. As I made my way over the tracks it hit me: I don't want to wake up 40 and alone!
My first encounter with the first train was the time I'd have needed to wait to have been ready for a relationship with my first love. The second train was Brian, but the second encounter with the first train was me having to start the wait clock over as I went through my relationship with Don Carlos the jack@$$. I know I've been picky over the years (reasons I broke up with my first love), but I'm beginning to realize I've got to change the way I think about things and be patient or I'm going to end up spending the next 8 years looking for a way around the wait and running into the same train over and over again and possibly end up 40 and alone.
Although I'm often mistaken for a 25 year old, I need to stop thinking and acting like one when it comes to a significant other. I can no longer afford to be picky thinking I still have time to find and attact a partner I'd want to spend my over 40 years with. I need to change or I'm going to end up at 40 the way I am now at 32...impatient, alone, and still changing routes in search of a shorter path.
posted by N'j at 6:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home