Pride & Prejudice
I just got home from a Mardi Gras festival (yes...I actually left the house) and I'm a little stunned. I went with the new HR rep (one of the 3 other black women at work) and didn't have very high expectations for the festival. My thought was, "Really?! A Mardi Gras festival in Iowa?!" So I went with an open mind and the goal of focusing on the positives.
The whole way there, the new HR rep kept talking about her homesickness (she's from TX). She went on and on about how it's been very difficult adjusting to the men here & how they don't directly approach women the same way they do in the south (here they do what's called "making face" before they actually speak to a woman they're interested in). I agreed and shared that it's been difficult for me too (reasons I haven't been that interested in going out). All this came after a conversation we had after work Friday.
We met for drinks with another co-worker (older black man who's been working here for years) who hipped us to the deal about dating in the midwest. He explained to us that to meet men here we have to "make face". Apparently, when you're out you have to keep eye contact with a man you're interested in for about 2-3 seconds. Then, after the third time you've done that the man will approach. This is after you've frequented the same venue week after week. (Parenthetically, I think it's a waste of time and prefer the direct approach). She said she knew about "making face' based on her experience living in STL years back and followed with, "Now if I could just get them to look at me!" She's not the most attractive woman in the world, but she keeps herself up and has a great personality.
I kept her last comment in mind when we went out tonight because based on my past experience of going out with women who might be considered less attractive than myself (I'm not the greatest looking woman in the world, but I feel comfortable saying that I'm pretty), they can sometimes be jealous, competitive, and feel offended if a guy approaches me and not them.
Anyway, for a good while into the first hour at the festival she continued complaining about how different the dating scene is here. I was determined to have a good time and kept trying to focus on the positive (food, um, definitely not authentic Louisiana fare, but the music was good). I suggested we walk a bit thinking we could look for men to "make face" with. She agreed and while we were walking ran into a man she'd met a couple of months ago.
He approached us from behind and came a little to close to me before he tapped her on the shoulder and embraced her. My first instinct was to punch him for touching me on my ass until I realized she knew him. I checked myself thinking he might have accidently touched me and let it go but remained reserved.
The three of us chatted after introductions and I kept my distance from him because I didn't want to appear as if I was trying to "holla" at him. Never mind that he's not my type. As the evening went on, he was learing at me and making comments about how pretty I am. He even pointed out a group of black guys who were nearby and said to me, "You already have a fan club. They've been watching you for a while now." "I'm afraid to look now," I said, thinking I wasn't sure I wanted to start making face with him standing right next to me. I didn't want to disrespect him.
Anyway, as we continued with small talk I regularly tried to pull her into the conversation when he kept trying to corner me. I didn't want to offend her by entertaining too much of his conversation since I wasn't sure if she was into him or not. When he suggested we go inside for drinks, I left it up to her since she doesn't drink. While sitting inside waiting for drinks, a friend of his showed up with his woman and both of them were obviously 3 sheets to the wind. It was a little startling for me since I haven't been around really drunk people up here. In NO, I'd have known exactly how to handle it since folks there are so open and friendly even when they're sober, but those two were way more open and friendly than anyone I've met here. I politely introduced myself and tried to pull the drunk couple into our conversation and continued redirecting dude's conversation to the HR rep so she didn't feel offended.
The drunk people were loud & liberally sprinkling their conversation with profanity. I was out of my element. Even though I'm an outgoing and extroverted person, I'm actually quite shy & uncomfortable around people I don't know. So when I unexpectedly saw my new Brazilian friend & the Indian guy from work walk into the spot, I was thrilled to see familiar faces. We hugged and chatted, & I introduced them to dude & the drunk people. I then proceeded to catch up with the Brazilian and the Indian, leaving the HR rep to chat with dude. After a while, the HR rep said she was getting tired and wanted to go back outside to listen to more music. I agreed since the drunk people were getting more and more obnoxious and I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the situation. Just after we exited the bar and had some distance between us and the 3 strangers I leaned over to the HR rep and half-sarcastically said, "I like your friends!"
While back outside, we stood around in a group and listened to the music while dude stood right behind me. He was taking up a little too much of my personal space with his penis so close to my ass given I'd just met him an hour before. I guess he sensed my discomfort/disinterest and moved closer to my Brazilian friend & started talking to the Indian guy. Not too much later, the HR rep said she was tired and ready to go. I said okay and we left.
On the way to the car I asked her, "So, how do you know that guy?" "I just met him at the professional networking function in April," she replied. "Oh, he's not the kind of guy I would normally hang out with," I said without thinking. That's what came out after somewhere in my mind I'd reduced my thoughts from "he's not the kind of guy I would date & his friends weren't the kind of people I would normally hang out with but your friends usually say a lot about you". That's when she dropped it on me.
"You come off like you're above some people! I don't know those people! Those are his friends and I just met him a couple of months ago and had a 10 minute conversation with him. Is he the kind of guy I would date? No, but he's a nice guy and I would hang out with him." I was stunned by the comment. I certainly don't think I'm above anyone. I felt misunderstood, so I asked the hard question, "What did I do that I was perceived that way?"
"When you didn't really talk to them, and it was even more obvious when [the Brazilian & Indian] showed up!" she stated with an angry tone.
"I'm sorry if it was offensive. I didn't mean to do it, I'm just uncomfortable around people I don't know..." I said, preparing to explain my attempts at being respectful to her & him. "But you're like that at work too! The statements have been made there as well but the thought is, 'she's young...she'll learn'. The things you say make you sound like you think you're better than some people."
I stopped myself from speaking defensively and took the feedback in. My mind started racing through advice I'd been given before I moved here about how people are here and how to assimilate to the culture. Then I thought about a comment my best friend made to me once about me being "a culture snob". Then I thought about a couple of incidents and comments which had been made by random folks at work over the last couple of months. Finally, I thought about one of my favorite quotes, "If three people tell you you're drunk, lay down."
"I can see how that would be the perception," I said with humility and as much of my self-esteem that remained. I followed with, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended," and resisted the urge to tell her what was going through my mind.
I'm going to have to be more self-aware and certainly think before I speak. I don't want to continue alienating people and seeming to be rude when that's not my intent. I'm going to have to re-evaluate my behavior and sort out how to get used to and along with folks here. I still don't think I'm above anyone, but I'm going to have to figure out how to not have a proud air about me when the truth is I'm just shy. I'm not sure if I'm going to say anything to the HR rep about her misreading what was going on in my mind...even though I know her prejudicial perception of the situation has been influenced by comments folks at work have said.
The whole way there, the new HR rep kept talking about her homesickness (she's from TX). She went on and on about how it's been very difficult adjusting to the men here & how they don't directly approach women the same way they do in the south (here they do what's called "making face" before they actually speak to a woman they're interested in). I agreed and shared that it's been difficult for me too (reasons I haven't been that interested in going out). All this came after a conversation we had after work Friday.
We met for drinks with another co-worker (older black man who's been working here for years) who hipped us to the deal about dating in the midwest. He explained to us that to meet men here we have to "make face". Apparently, when you're out you have to keep eye contact with a man you're interested in for about 2-3 seconds. Then, after the third time you've done that the man will approach. This is after you've frequented the same venue week after week. (Parenthetically, I think it's a waste of time and prefer the direct approach). She said she knew about "making face' based on her experience living in STL years back and followed with, "Now if I could just get them to look at me!" She's not the most attractive woman in the world, but she keeps herself up and has a great personality.
I kept her last comment in mind when we went out tonight because based on my past experience of going out with women who might be considered less attractive than myself (I'm not the greatest looking woman in the world, but I feel comfortable saying that I'm pretty), they can sometimes be jealous, competitive, and feel offended if a guy approaches me and not them.
Anyway, for a good while into the first hour at the festival she continued complaining about how different the dating scene is here. I was determined to have a good time and kept trying to focus on the positive (food, um, definitely not authentic Louisiana fare, but the music was good). I suggested we walk a bit thinking we could look for men to "make face" with. She agreed and while we were walking ran into a man she'd met a couple of months ago.
He approached us from behind and came a little to close to me before he tapped her on the shoulder and embraced her. My first instinct was to punch him for touching me on my ass until I realized she knew him. I checked myself thinking he might have accidently touched me and let it go but remained reserved.
The three of us chatted after introductions and I kept my distance from him because I didn't want to appear as if I was trying to "holla" at him. Never mind that he's not my type. As the evening went on, he was learing at me and making comments about how pretty I am. He even pointed out a group of black guys who were nearby and said to me, "You already have a fan club. They've been watching you for a while now." "I'm afraid to look now," I said, thinking I wasn't sure I wanted to start making face with him standing right next to me. I didn't want to disrespect him.
Anyway, as we continued with small talk I regularly tried to pull her into the conversation when he kept trying to corner me. I didn't want to offend her by entertaining too much of his conversation since I wasn't sure if she was into him or not. When he suggested we go inside for drinks, I left it up to her since she doesn't drink. While sitting inside waiting for drinks, a friend of his showed up with his woman and both of them were obviously 3 sheets to the wind. It was a little startling for me since I haven't been around really drunk people up here. In NO, I'd have known exactly how to handle it since folks there are so open and friendly even when they're sober, but those two were way more open and friendly than anyone I've met here. I politely introduced myself and tried to pull the drunk couple into our conversation and continued redirecting dude's conversation to the HR rep so she didn't feel offended.
The drunk people were loud & liberally sprinkling their conversation with profanity. I was out of my element. Even though I'm an outgoing and extroverted person, I'm actually quite shy & uncomfortable around people I don't know. So when I unexpectedly saw my new Brazilian friend & the Indian guy from work walk into the spot, I was thrilled to see familiar faces. We hugged and chatted, & I introduced them to dude & the drunk people. I then proceeded to catch up with the Brazilian and the Indian, leaving the HR rep to chat with dude. After a while, the HR rep said she was getting tired and wanted to go back outside to listen to more music. I agreed since the drunk people were getting more and more obnoxious and I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the situation. Just after we exited the bar and had some distance between us and the 3 strangers I leaned over to the HR rep and half-sarcastically said, "I like your friends!"
While back outside, we stood around in a group and listened to the music while dude stood right behind me. He was taking up a little too much of my personal space with his penis so close to my ass given I'd just met him an hour before. I guess he sensed my discomfort/disinterest and moved closer to my Brazilian friend & started talking to the Indian guy. Not too much later, the HR rep said she was tired and ready to go. I said okay and we left.
On the way to the car I asked her, "So, how do you know that guy?" "I just met him at the professional networking function in April," she replied. "Oh, he's not the kind of guy I would normally hang out with," I said without thinking. That's what came out after somewhere in my mind I'd reduced my thoughts from "he's not the kind of guy I would date & his friends weren't the kind of people I would normally hang out with but your friends usually say a lot about you". That's when she dropped it on me.
"You come off like you're above some people! I don't know those people! Those are his friends and I just met him a couple of months ago and had a 10 minute conversation with him. Is he the kind of guy I would date? No, but he's a nice guy and I would hang out with him." I was stunned by the comment. I certainly don't think I'm above anyone. I felt misunderstood, so I asked the hard question, "What did I do that I was perceived that way?"
"When you didn't really talk to them, and it was even more obvious when [the Brazilian & Indian] showed up!" she stated with an angry tone.
"I'm sorry if it was offensive. I didn't mean to do it, I'm just uncomfortable around people I don't know..." I said, preparing to explain my attempts at being respectful to her & him. "But you're like that at work too! The statements have been made there as well but the thought is, 'she's young...she'll learn'. The things you say make you sound like you think you're better than some people."
I stopped myself from speaking defensively and took the feedback in. My mind started racing through advice I'd been given before I moved here about how people are here and how to assimilate to the culture. Then I thought about a comment my best friend made to me once about me being "a culture snob". Then I thought about a couple of incidents and comments which had been made by random folks at work over the last couple of months. Finally, I thought about one of my favorite quotes, "If three people tell you you're drunk, lay down."
"I can see how that would be the perception," I said with humility and as much of my self-esteem that remained. I followed with, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended," and resisted the urge to tell her what was going through my mind.
I'm going to have to be more self-aware and certainly think before I speak. I don't want to continue alienating people and seeming to be rude when that's not my intent. I'm going to have to re-evaluate my behavior and sort out how to get used to and along with folks here. I still don't think I'm above anyone, but I'm going to have to figure out how to not have a proud air about me when the truth is I'm just shy. I'm not sure if I'm going to say anything to the HR rep about her misreading what was going on in my mind...even though I know her prejudicial perception of the situation has been influenced by comments folks at work have said.
posted by N'j at 2:06 AM
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