Progress
I had a civil conversation with my ex tonight. Before I answered the phone, I calmed myself (given that he was late yet again in getting back with me [another passive-aggressive tactic he uses to get to me]) and did what my oldest sister told me to do while we were going through our divorce, "disconnect the button". I turned off my emotions and logically approached the conversation. I told him I got his letter and there seems to be a significant miscommuncation about the purpose of sending our son to CA. I told him that when I'd originally sent him there, it wasn't so my ex could unilaterally decide whether our son would come back to IA. I also told him that even though Shorty has said he doesn't want to come back, it's not up to him.
I then shared that after talking to and observing our son over the holiday weekend, I'm convinced that coming back to IA is the best thing for Shorty. My ex said he was confused and said he understood that I was okay with Shorty staying in CA with him. He also asked why I was convinced Shorty should come back to IA based on Kidlet's behavior over the holiday weekend. I told my ex about Shorty continuing to demonstrate lying without a conscience.
While in FL, Shorty was playing with his cousins on the slip 'n slide when I asked him if he'd put on sunblock. With green eyes and fair skin, he's highly susceptable to sunburn and I didn't want him to get sick. My child emphatically replied, "Yes!" with a straight face. I didn't think anything of it, but my mother said the other kids could sunburn too and suggested I get the sunblock for them. I asked Shorty where the sunblock was and he told me it was in his bag. I went upstairs to get the bottle of sunblock my sister had bought for him the day before and found it next to the t.v. I brought it back down to the outside patio and flipped the top open to begin application.
I couldn't get any of it out and furrowed my brow. I tried again and still couldn't get any out. I used my "engineering skills" to find the root of the issue and unscrewed the top. Lo and behold, the bottle of sunscreen was still neatly sealed with the manufacturer's seal. I shook my head and said to my brothers' in law who were sitting next to me, "You know, he really thinks he's going to get away with this!" I screwed the top back on and called to Shorty to come over. "Shorty, did you put on sunblock?" I asked him with that knowing mother tone. "Yes!" he said again with a completely straight face. I handed the bottle to him and said, "Squeeze some out for me," and waited for him to tell me the truth. He struggled with the bottle, trying to squeeze some into my hand. "I can't get it out," he said helplessly. I took the bottle from him, unscrewed it, peeled off the seal, rescrewed the top on, and squirted the sunblock into his hand. "You didn't put sunblock on, did you?" I stated. "Um, well, uh," he said as he tried to think of another lie to explain the situation. "Dry off, go upstairs, and sit in time out until you can tell me the truth."
After relaying this incident to my ex, I told him that letting Shorty stay in CA will only teach him that misbehaving and lying will get him what he wants which is the wrong message to send. Obviously, he hasn't learned anything about lying in the time he's been in CA, so he needs to come back to IA so he understand that he can't get what he wants with negative behavior. My ex agreed that Shorty's "excessive storytelling" is an issue but that my ex is working with him on it. "I'm going to have to interject here. Let's call it what it is...it's lying," I said as I recognized my ex's attempt at downplaying our son's behavior that mirrors his own. At the end of the conversation, my ex said he needed to talk with Shorty again about why he doesn't want to come back to IA.
My ex says Shorty's told him it's because he's ready for "manhood training" with his dad. Shorty's told me it's because he doesn't have to do chores in CA, has more freedom & fun, & there are more people around. I say neither one is a good reason since his father has yet to model nor teach our son what he needs to know to be a self-sufficient, independent, God fearing contributor to society when he's grown. All that being said, we ended the conversation in agreement that we'd touch base again on Sunday.
What I know is how I felt after I got off the phone. I'd had a difficult conversation with my ex-husband about our son and the current situation without getting emotional, speaking in accusations, or being immature. I'd call that progress.
I then shared that after talking to and observing our son over the holiday weekend, I'm convinced that coming back to IA is the best thing for Shorty. My ex said he was confused and said he understood that I was okay with Shorty staying in CA with him. He also asked why I was convinced Shorty should come back to IA based on Kidlet's behavior over the holiday weekend. I told my ex about Shorty continuing to demonstrate lying without a conscience.
While in FL, Shorty was playing with his cousins on the slip 'n slide when I asked him if he'd put on sunblock. With green eyes and fair skin, he's highly susceptable to sunburn and I didn't want him to get sick. My child emphatically replied, "Yes!" with a straight face. I didn't think anything of it, but my mother said the other kids could sunburn too and suggested I get the sunblock for them. I asked Shorty where the sunblock was and he told me it was in his bag. I went upstairs to get the bottle of sunblock my sister had bought for him the day before and found it next to the t.v. I brought it back down to the outside patio and flipped the top open to begin application.
I couldn't get any of it out and furrowed my brow. I tried again and still couldn't get any out. I used my "engineering skills" to find the root of the issue and unscrewed the top. Lo and behold, the bottle of sunscreen was still neatly sealed with the manufacturer's seal. I shook my head and said to my brothers' in law who were sitting next to me, "You know, he really thinks he's going to get away with this!" I screwed the top back on and called to Shorty to come over. "Shorty, did you put on sunblock?" I asked him with that knowing mother tone. "Yes!" he said again with a completely straight face. I handed the bottle to him and said, "Squeeze some out for me," and waited for him to tell me the truth. He struggled with the bottle, trying to squeeze some into my hand. "I can't get it out," he said helplessly. I took the bottle from him, unscrewed it, peeled off the seal, rescrewed the top on, and squirted the sunblock into his hand. "You didn't put sunblock on, did you?" I stated. "Um, well, uh," he said as he tried to think of another lie to explain the situation. "Dry off, go upstairs, and sit in time out until you can tell me the truth."
After relaying this incident to my ex, I told him that letting Shorty stay in CA will only teach him that misbehaving and lying will get him what he wants which is the wrong message to send. Obviously, he hasn't learned anything about lying in the time he's been in CA, so he needs to come back to IA so he understand that he can't get what he wants with negative behavior. My ex agreed that Shorty's "excessive storytelling" is an issue but that my ex is working with him on it. "I'm going to have to interject here. Let's call it what it is...it's lying," I said as I recognized my ex's attempt at downplaying our son's behavior that mirrors his own. At the end of the conversation, my ex said he needed to talk with Shorty again about why he doesn't want to come back to IA.
My ex says Shorty's told him it's because he's ready for "manhood training" with his dad. Shorty's told me it's because he doesn't have to do chores in CA, has more freedom & fun, & there are more people around. I say neither one is a good reason since his father has yet to model nor teach our son what he needs to know to be a self-sufficient, independent, God fearing contributor to society when he's grown. All that being said, we ended the conversation in agreement that we'd touch base again on Sunday.
What I know is how I felt after I got off the phone. I'd had a difficult conversation with my ex-husband about our son and the current situation without getting emotional, speaking in accusations, or being immature. I'd call that progress.
posted by N'j at 11:16 PM
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