Things To Do

I read somewhere that if you want peace in your life, you have to do the things you need to do that you haven't done. Last week I fixed things around the house. This week, I did some spring cleaning. Yesterday (while listening to Trust Me by The Fray) it clicked for me that that's what I've been doing this month, and I decided to take care of the most important things I hadn't done. First, I called Shorty.

After we talked for a bit, I asked him if he understood why he was in LA. "Not really," he honestly replied.

Shorty: "Daddy said it's because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do in school and you can't do any more with me so he has to do it now and because I was lying."

Me: "That's part of it. I know that you wanted help with school, and when you're there you have all these people to help you with your homework. But eventually, you're going to have to do it on your own. Do you understand what my job is as your mother?"

Shorty: "To feed me and clothe me and put a roof over my head."

Me: "That's part of it. When God blessed your father and I with you, He gave us that job, but more importantly, He made us your guides to this world. Who feeds me, clothes me, and puts a roof over my head?"

Shorty: "You do."

Me: "Yes, but I still talk to my parents a lot because they are still giving me guidance. They stopped doing those other things a long time ago. My job now as your mother is to prepare you so you can feed yourself, clothe yourself, and put a roof over your own head when I'm not there with you anymore and to teach you how to make good choices. Your old enough now that you need to start doing things on your own."

Shorty: "So it's kind of like the whales?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Shorty: "Well, I was watching The National Geographic channel and there were these whales. And the momma whale gave birth to a baby whale. She fed it and clothed it and put a roof over it's head, but eventually the baby whale had to go out on its own."

Me: "Yes, that's exactly right. Now with the lying. When you lie to me, I can't trust you. And trust is the foundation of every relationship. As your mother, I know you're going to make mistakes and that's fine. I can take bad news, but I can't take lying. And when you lie to me, that damages our relationship."

He seemed to understand what I was saying, so I reminded him that he'll be coming back in August. I then told him that some kids from his school here are going to Japan for a week this summer. I told him that if he'd done what he was supposed to do, he could be going on that trip too (he loves sushi and has been asking to go to Japan since he picked up his first set of chopsticks). "I would've been happy to send you if you'd done what you were supposed to do and probably would've gone with you, but these are the things you miss out on when you don't do what you should. So if you come back and do what you're supposed to do, I'll take you to Japan the summer before you go to high school." He liked that.

I then told him I'm leaving for Scotland on Wednesday. "What do you want from Scotland?" I asked. "Money of course," he said (he collects coins), "and a man skirt." "A man skirt?!" I laughed. "It's called a kilt!" "Okay, a kilt then," he replied. "A red one," he decidedly added. We said our "I love you's" and I got off the phone.

Later I got home from trivia night at the local lodge and decided to call Carlos. He's planning to visit in a few weeks, and I've been ambivalent about his impending visit. I'm not interested in sex with him, and even though we've talked about a ring (he asked me to send him a picture a couple of weeks ago) I know I don't want to marry him. So I decided to let him know that I'm sticking to my abstinence.

Me: "I wanted to win the free night at the local Econolodge at the trivia night thing."

He: "Why?"

Me: "So you'll have a place to stay when you come up here."

[Long, awkward pause...]

Me: "So, I have mixed feelings about you coming up here."

He: "Ok."

Me: "I've decided to abstain."

He: "From what?"

Me: "From sex."

He: "That's fine."

Me: "I just don't think we have the same values."

He: "We all have different values."

Me: "Yes, but I think we have different values when it comes to sex."

He: "You don't have to explain it to me. We don't have to talk about it."

Me: "We're not talking about it. This is me telling you how I feel. Now if you don't want to talk about it, then say you just don't want to talk about it. I just think I value you more than you value me and that hurts me."

He: "Alright, I don't want to talk about it. We've had this conversation before and it's like the same t.v. show playing over and over. Is there anything else?"

Me: "Nope. Have a good evening."

I hope he doesn't get on the plane because I finally feel peace and it's come from me saying how I feel. It started with my co-worker, continued with my parents, proceeded with my son, and finished with the SJA. It feels pretty damn good to get it all out and I'm going to do this more often in the future. "Tell the truth faster" is probably on that list of things to do to maintain peace.