Loved And Lost? Don't Be Afraid
I've just come in from 20 minute outdoor walk. I was really feeling cabin fever since the most walking I've done outside in the last several months has been across parking lots as I left the warmth of my car and scurried to the coziness of various buildings (work, Y, home, Wally World, & the occasional movie theater or mall). Making my way from my garage to the nearby cemetery, I pondered my life under the bright blue sky (but damn cold with wind chills of -15 degrees F) and sunny day.
I thought about the book my best friend sent me last summer (Passport Diaries) and a question the heroine pondered before her journey alone, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" It's an easy question to answer if you know what you're afraid of, and I had to really think about it. I kept trucking as quickly as I could bundled up and looking like my name should be Nanook. I tried not to slip as I briskly walked over the ice on the sidewalk. "What am I afraid of?"
Before I moved here, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the cold weather. From the comfort of my car & home, so far I'd proven I could, but the outdoor walk this afternoon proved I could not only survive but thrive here. I've gotten used to it. The snow was a beautiful reminder of what the Norwegian had said to me when he invited me to visit him in Norway and I hesitated saying, "I don't know, Espen. Isn't it cold there?" "You'll get used to it!" he assured me. I crunched along over the snow towards home with my sneakers sporadically sinking into the snow. It was then that I realized what I've been afraid of.
I've been afraid that I missed my chance at love. I've been afraid that I would never again have a chance to develop the loving relationship I've always dreamed of, or worse, that I've met the one and screwed it up, never to have a chance again. And that's what's kept me from fully focusing on loving myself...waiting for something that may never come, or did & afraid I missed it. So now that I know, I'll just have to focus on me. If I did have it (i.e. in those two nights in Rome) and it never comes again, I'll just have to tell the story, love myself, and cherish the memories since it changed my life forever. Now I understand the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never known love at all."
I thought about the book my best friend sent me last summer (Passport Diaries) and a question the heroine pondered before her journey alone, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" It's an easy question to answer if you know what you're afraid of, and I had to really think about it. I kept trucking as quickly as I could bundled up and looking like my name should be Nanook. I tried not to slip as I briskly walked over the ice on the sidewalk. "What am I afraid of?"
Before I moved here, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the cold weather. From the comfort of my car & home, so far I'd proven I could, but the outdoor walk this afternoon proved I could not only survive but thrive here. I've gotten used to it. The snow was a beautiful reminder of what the Norwegian had said to me when he invited me to visit him in Norway and I hesitated saying, "I don't know, Espen. Isn't it cold there?" "You'll get used to it!" he assured me. I crunched along over the snow towards home with my sneakers sporadically sinking into the snow. It was then that I realized what I've been afraid of.
I've been afraid that I missed my chance at love. I've been afraid that I would never again have a chance to develop the loving relationship I've always dreamed of, or worse, that I've met the one and screwed it up, never to have a chance again. And that's what's kept me from fully focusing on loving myself...waiting for something that may never come, or did & afraid I missed it. So now that I know, I'll just have to focus on me. If I did have it (i.e. in those two nights in Rome) and it never comes again, I'll just have to tell the story, love myself, and cherish the memories since it changed my life forever. Now I understand the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never known love at all."
posted by N'j at 2:44 PM
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