The Offer
I received a letter from my ex-husband earlier this week:
"I wrote the letter that we need to send to the state of Florida. We must both sign it and have it notarized. I put an envelope with this so you can send it back to me. Once I sign it, I will send you a copy of everything.
Also, there was only a week's worth of clothes sent with [Shorty]. And, some of them are too small. So, instead of sending the money for the plane ticket, I will be getting [Shorty] some more clothes."
Needless to say I went into a rage, and did so for a number of reasons:
I called to talk to Shorty this afternoon, and after he was done talking to me I asked to speak to his dad. At first, the conversation was tense. When I brought up the letter & child support (yet again), I could hear in the tone of his voice the same attitude he's had since we split up years ago. I decided to quell my anger and frustration, and be the bigger person as we discussed the airline ticket and school supplies as he told me he wouldn't be able to help with either.
"I guess he just won't have school supplies," I cooly said.
"I guess he won't," he replied.
"You know, it upsets me that you're okay with him not having school supplies," I stated.
"Well, you're okay with him not having them," he retorted.
"Don't mistake my calm demeanor for being ok with this. I'm actually very angry and very frustrated that here we are, 9 years down the road since our divorce, and you're still sucking the life out of me financially. I'm speaking to you calmly because I'm trying to do what you've always asked me to do, which is communicate."
From there, our emotions were in check. I managed to talk him down and keep my own voice at a professional level. Over the course of our 2 hour conversation, I coached him through doing the math about child support and arrears. The bottom line is, he's about $26 dollars behind given all the money that's flowed from him to the state of Florida (including several years of tax returns they garnished to cover the 3 years immediately after our divorce when he didn't pay anything) then to me and including all the time our son has spent with him over the years. He still had issue with the fact that the state considers him behind in child support, so I made him an offer he can't refuse.
"I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing with you, I'm tired of the excuses, I'm tired of not being able to look at our son and think about how you're sucking the life out of me, leaving me less than able to give him all he needs from his mother. So I suggest this. You find out how much the state of Florida says you owe in arrears and I'll send you a check for however much that is, whether it's $26, $153, or $2500. I'll send you a check for the amount, you can send it to the state of Florida and they'll send it back to me. Then you'll have a clean slate. I'll agree to this only if you'll send a letter to the state of Florida telling them you want to increase your child support obligation from $250/month to $400/month, which is what you said you would do 4 years ago when you agreed that $250 just wasn't enough to take care of him." He said he'd do it, but I'll believe it when I see it.
I told him we'd had a productive conversation. He said he wished we could have more conversations like that. I reiterated that he's sucking the life out of me. He said that I sucked the life out of him while we were married and that most of our conversations since the divorce have done the same, but today was easy. I told him that I was exhausted and that dealing with him (even with the calm demeanor) still sucked the life out of me. He asked why.
"Because you don't get it, and trying to explain it to you would be like trying to explain calculus to a 2 year old. You don't get it, but I hope one day you do. I don't trust you, but if you follow through with this agreement, that's the first step. The second step looks like you moving closer to where we are so you can be there for him."
I then went on to tell him that things have been like this for us (meaning difficult) because we should've never married in the first place. "Yes. We should've waited," he replied. He still doesn't get it.
We should've never married because on the way to the courthouse I was planning A, B, & C escape routes from the altar. For whatever reason at that time (maybe it was the 4 month old fetus in my belly), I had a feeling I'd end up having to make offers like the one I made today just to have some semblance of peace in our relationship...for our child sake.
"I wrote the letter that we need to send to the state of Florida. We must both sign it and have it notarized. I put an envelope with this so you can send it back to me. Once I sign it, I will send you a copy of everything.
Also, there was only a week's worth of clothes sent with [Shorty]. And, some of them are too small. So, instead of sending the money for the plane ticket, I will be getting [Shorty] some more clothes."
Needless to say I went into a rage, and did so for a number of reasons:
- The letter he's referring to was supposed to include the dates for all of the time Shorty's been with him since we divorced 9 years ago so he could be credited for the $250 of child support he was obligated to pay each month, minus the 6-12 weeks our son was with him each summer. Never mind that he didn't pay any child support for the first 3 years after our divorce.
- The letter was also supposed to include his request for an increase in child support from $250/month to the $400 per month we agreed to after our post-divorce counseling 4 years ago (he never followed through).
- The clothes Shorty needs (likely because he's 11 and has grown out of them since he arrived in CA 3 weeks ago) and half of the airline ticket to get him there for the summer are two separate issues that my ex-husband chose to blend, hoping I'd be dumb enough to forget that he hasn't been providing his share of financial support for our son since the day he was born.
I called to talk to Shorty this afternoon, and after he was done talking to me I asked to speak to his dad. At first, the conversation was tense. When I brought up the letter & child support (yet again), I could hear in the tone of his voice the same attitude he's had since we split up years ago. I decided to quell my anger and frustration, and be the bigger person as we discussed the airline ticket and school supplies as he told me he wouldn't be able to help with either.
"I guess he just won't have school supplies," I cooly said.
"I guess he won't," he replied.
"You know, it upsets me that you're okay with him not having school supplies," I stated.
"Well, you're okay with him not having them," he retorted.
"Don't mistake my calm demeanor for being ok with this. I'm actually very angry and very frustrated that here we are, 9 years down the road since our divorce, and you're still sucking the life out of me financially. I'm speaking to you calmly because I'm trying to do what you've always asked me to do, which is communicate."
From there, our emotions were in check. I managed to talk him down and keep my own voice at a professional level. Over the course of our 2 hour conversation, I coached him through doing the math about child support and arrears. The bottom line is, he's about $26 dollars behind given all the money that's flowed from him to the state of Florida (including several years of tax returns they garnished to cover the 3 years immediately after our divorce when he didn't pay anything) then to me and including all the time our son has spent with him over the years. He still had issue with the fact that the state considers him behind in child support, so I made him an offer he can't refuse.
"I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing with you, I'm tired of the excuses, I'm tired of not being able to look at our son and think about how you're sucking the life out of me, leaving me less than able to give him all he needs from his mother. So I suggest this. You find out how much the state of Florida says you owe in arrears and I'll send you a check for however much that is, whether it's $26, $153, or $2500. I'll send you a check for the amount, you can send it to the state of Florida and they'll send it back to me. Then you'll have a clean slate. I'll agree to this only if you'll send a letter to the state of Florida telling them you want to increase your child support obligation from $250/month to $400/month, which is what you said you would do 4 years ago when you agreed that $250 just wasn't enough to take care of him." He said he'd do it, but I'll believe it when I see it.
I told him we'd had a productive conversation. He said he wished we could have more conversations like that. I reiterated that he's sucking the life out of me. He said that I sucked the life out of him while we were married and that most of our conversations since the divorce have done the same, but today was easy. I told him that I was exhausted and that dealing with him (even with the calm demeanor) still sucked the life out of me. He asked why.
"Because you don't get it, and trying to explain it to you would be like trying to explain calculus to a 2 year old. You don't get it, but I hope one day you do. I don't trust you, but if you follow through with this agreement, that's the first step. The second step looks like you moving closer to where we are so you can be there for him."
I then went on to tell him that things have been like this for us (meaning difficult) because we should've never married in the first place. "Yes. We should've waited," he replied. He still doesn't get it.
We should've never married because on the way to the courthouse I was planning A, B, & C escape routes from the altar. For whatever reason at that time (maybe it was the 4 month old fetus in my belly), I had a feeling I'd end up having to make offers like the one I made today just to have some semblance of peace in our relationship...for our child sake.
posted by N'j at 9:14 PM
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