Trust God, With Love
TRS and I had another heavy conversation last night. In light of his upcoming visit to me on my birthday weekend (just two months away!), I decided to let him know what had been on my mind. "So, there's been something on my mind. Do you know me?" I frankly asked. He then proceeded to tell me how kind I am, what a good heart I have, and how he's really feeling me. "I appreciate what you've said," I replied, "But do you realize who I am?"
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm a free spirit," I said. I then proceeded to tell him that anyone who knows me knows that I'm a free spirit and that I'm pretty much going to do what I'm going to do. "I know my purpose in life, and in pursuit of that, I'm like a kite. I need to fly free and the man who's holding my spool needs to be one who lets me fly free, but also knows when to reel me in from danger. But not reel me in just because he misses me and doesn't remember what my fabric looks like up close."
I then proceeded to tell him that with such a strong personality as I have, I know I can over power a man who doesn't know himself, and I'm afraid he doesn't know who he is (in light of his history of serial monogamy). I told him that it takes a strong and secure man to hold on to the spool for my kite. "I like you D," I frankly said. "I really like you! And it's taking everything in me not to fall in love with you if you're not what God has for me. A friend recently asked me if I want you to be the one and my answer was, 'No. I want what God has for me.' I know my purpose in this life is to 'take care of this planet and the people who live on it', but I don't know if I'm meant to be married again." I then proceeded to tell him about an interview Goldie Hawn did on 60 minutes a few years back. I shared that I could relate to not feeling comfortable in a relationship where I as a bird was in a cage with the door closed, but if I was in a relationship with the door open I'd be ok. I said that in relation to Goldie's relationship with Kurt Russel where they have children and have been together successfully for over 20 years but have never married.
"Now I'm not saying I can't be married. I want to be married. I want to have more children. I will not have a child out of wedlock," I stated. "What has your relationship been like with men in the past?" he thoughtfully asked. "Well, I can only go chronologically in reverse since that's how my mind works. The SJA let me be free. He had no problem with me being a free spirit, a kite flying free. But he also didn't hold onto the spool. He didn't respect me. He loved himself more than he could've ever love me. He didn't honor me. He didn't understand me as a free spirit, and took advantage of me. My ex-husband was a man I never really wanted to marry. I only married him because I was pregnant and I didn't want to disappoint my father and my family. My first love is the only man I've ever met who truly understood me. He understood my free-spiritedness and let me fly as free as I needed to while reeling me in from danger. The only problem was, I was never truly attracted to him. Even my father saw it. Not too long ago I was talking to my dad about my first love and how I always thought he'd be 'the one', especially after the heartbreaking trip to visit the Norwegian. My dad told me that he'd not too long prior found pictures of me with my first love and could see that he was clearly in love with me, but I'd felt nothing. My sister said it too one time when she said, 'You're in love with the idea of [insert my first love's name here].' I've never met someone who could be all of it to me." I took a deep breath and then just put all my cards on the table.
"I like you! I really like you! But I'm not sure you're secure enough and strong enough to be with me. I'm definitely attracted to you, but I don't know if you're able to understand my free spirit and accept me at the same time. Just in the short time we've been talking, you've been good to me and good for me. I just don't like to feel needed."
"What don't you like about feeling needed?" he carefully asked.
"I may have been a commitment-phobe in the past, but when I'm with the right person I'm all about flowers, and candy, and making his favorite breakfast in the morning. Little notes in his briefcase, calls just to say I'm thinking of him, and taking care of my man. I'm all about that! But the minute I feel he needs it from me. Well, not the minute but, the hour I feel he needs that from me it becomes too much for me. I love to give love, but I can't be obligated and be able to give it freely."
We closed the conversation with him saying, "that's a lot." "I know," I replied. "Thank you for telling me who you are," he said. We said our good-nights and naturally, I didn't sleep well afterward. I ended up spending most of the night tossing and turning, thinking I may have scared away a wonderful man by telling him exactly who I am. When I got up this morning, I got my guidance from God.
I went out to my patio and the skies weren't clear in anticipation of the IA sunrise. Instead they were grey and troubled with an impending storm. It rolled in after rattling the leaves on the trees in the distance. They skies became dark, were eventually highlighted with lightening, and the air filled with thunder. As the storm passed I realized that I've been afraid. I've been afraid to let this man love me. I thought about a question my sister in ATL asked me a while back: "Do you think you deserve to be loved?" I thought to myself, "After meeting Espen and going to Norway, I know I deserve to be loved." That wasn't the issue. I was afraid of losing myself in love, then I realized I'm not the same person...the same commitment-phobe I'd become when my father emotionally abandoned me. I then thought of the question I asked myself when God presented my purpose to me and I pondered it in its greatness when I felt afraid of pursuing it: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
As the storm rolled out and morning twighlight filled the sky I decided I was no longer going to be afraid. I'm going to let things move forward as God commands it. I'm going to let myself fall in love with him as I fell in love with Him when I spent those two nights in Rome. Whatever happens happens. I'm finally ready to trust God with Love.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm a free spirit," I said. I then proceeded to tell him that anyone who knows me knows that I'm a free spirit and that I'm pretty much going to do what I'm going to do. "I know my purpose in life, and in pursuit of that, I'm like a kite. I need to fly free and the man who's holding my spool needs to be one who lets me fly free, but also knows when to reel me in from danger. But not reel me in just because he misses me and doesn't remember what my fabric looks like up close."
I then proceeded to tell him that with such a strong personality as I have, I know I can over power a man who doesn't know himself, and I'm afraid he doesn't know who he is (in light of his history of serial monogamy). I told him that it takes a strong and secure man to hold on to the spool for my kite. "I like you D," I frankly said. "I really like you! And it's taking everything in me not to fall in love with you if you're not what God has for me. A friend recently asked me if I want you to be the one and my answer was, 'No. I want what God has for me.' I know my purpose in this life is to 'take care of this planet and the people who live on it', but I don't know if I'm meant to be married again." I then proceeded to tell him about an interview Goldie Hawn did on 60 minutes a few years back. I shared that I could relate to not feeling comfortable in a relationship where I as a bird was in a cage with the door closed, but if I was in a relationship with the door open I'd be ok. I said that in relation to Goldie's relationship with Kurt Russel where they have children and have been together successfully for over 20 years but have never married.
"Now I'm not saying I can't be married. I want to be married. I want to have more children. I will not have a child out of wedlock," I stated. "What has your relationship been like with men in the past?" he thoughtfully asked. "Well, I can only go chronologically in reverse since that's how my mind works. The SJA let me be free. He had no problem with me being a free spirit, a kite flying free. But he also didn't hold onto the spool. He didn't respect me. He loved himself more than he could've ever love me. He didn't honor me. He didn't understand me as a free spirit, and took advantage of me. My ex-husband was a man I never really wanted to marry. I only married him because I was pregnant and I didn't want to disappoint my father and my family. My first love is the only man I've ever met who truly understood me. He understood my free-spiritedness and let me fly as free as I needed to while reeling me in from danger. The only problem was, I was never truly attracted to him. Even my father saw it. Not too long ago I was talking to my dad about my first love and how I always thought he'd be 'the one', especially after the heartbreaking trip to visit the Norwegian. My dad told me that he'd not too long prior found pictures of me with my first love and could see that he was clearly in love with me, but I'd felt nothing. My sister said it too one time when she said, 'You're in love with the idea of [insert my first love's name here].' I've never met someone who could be all of it to me." I took a deep breath and then just put all my cards on the table.
"I like you! I really like you! But I'm not sure you're secure enough and strong enough to be with me. I'm definitely attracted to you, but I don't know if you're able to understand my free spirit and accept me at the same time. Just in the short time we've been talking, you've been good to me and good for me. I just don't like to feel needed."
"What don't you like about feeling needed?" he carefully asked.
"I may have been a commitment-phobe in the past, but when I'm with the right person I'm all about flowers, and candy, and making his favorite breakfast in the morning. Little notes in his briefcase, calls just to say I'm thinking of him, and taking care of my man. I'm all about that! But the minute I feel he needs it from me. Well, not the minute but, the hour I feel he needs that from me it becomes too much for me. I love to give love, but I can't be obligated and be able to give it freely."
We closed the conversation with him saying, "that's a lot." "I know," I replied. "Thank you for telling me who you are," he said. We said our good-nights and naturally, I didn't sleep well afterward. I ended up spending most of the night tossing and turning, thinking I may have scared away a wonderful man by telling him exactly who I am. When I got up this morning, I got my guidance from God.
I went out to my patio and the skies weren't clear in anticipation of the IA sunrise. Instead they were grey and troubled with an impending storm. It rolled in after rattling the leaves on the trees in the distance. They skies became dark, were eventually highlighted with lightening, and the air filled with thunder. As the storm passed I realized that I've been afraid. I've been afraid to let this man love me. I thought about a question my sister in ATL asked me a while back: "Do you think you deserve to be loved?" I thought to myself, "After meeting Espen and going to Norway, I know I deserve to be loved." That wasn't the issue. I was afraid of losing myself in love, then I realized I'm not the same person...the same commitment-phobe I'd become when my father emotionally abandoned me. I then thought of the question I asked myself when God presented my purpose to me and I pondered it in its greatness when I felt afraid of pursuing it: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
As the storm rolled out and morning twighlight filled the sky I decided I was no longer going to be afraid. I'm going to let things move forward as God commands it. I'm going to let myself fall in love with him as I fell in love with Him when I spent those two nights in Rome. Whatever happens happens. I'm finally ready to trust God with Love.
posted by N'j at 5:52 AM
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