Me, A Serial Killer?
Wednesday night TRS and I were having another conversation when I mentioned the schism in my relationship with my father that was ocurred when I was 12. "You mentioned that before," he said thoughtfully. In light of his repeated desire to visit me in IA and comments about how much he's looking forward to holding & kissing me again, I decided to throw up a flashing yellow light. I told him what happened with my dad.
In grave detail, I told him how my father had essentially emotionally abandoned me after I had my first menses. I then told him how it emotionally scarred me and led to my numerous subsequent failed relationships with men, including the SJA who served as a surrogate father for my damaged spirit. I closed by telling him that my dad and I are fine now since I forgave him the day before Father's day last year after reading an article on forgiveness in Essence magazine at the SJAs house while waiting for my house to be shown. That was an ironic time for me to find closure to a wound that had been open for almost 20 years.
"So that was a lot of information," I flatly said to TRS, indicating that I was done sharing for the evening. He agreed and said he was processing the information. We said our good-nights and got off the phone. Then I remembered John Mayer's Grammy award winning song "Daughters" and decided to call TRS back. I told him that the song was one I'd fallen in love with shortly before I met the Norwegian who changed my life and that the lyrics summed up what I went through with my dad until that time, with healing only beginning after Katrina when I turned 31 and confronted my father about the abandonment.
"If there's anything I've learned from this it's that the man I want to be the father of any daughter I ever have will understand the words in that song," I professed. "I'm looking it up on the internet now," he declared. We said our good-nights again and my brain started working.
I thought about the conversation I had with one of my sisters last June after TRS & I spent the better part of a workday emailing each other back and forth as part of our re-introduction. I'd called my sister that week, told her the situation (particularly about his apparent interest in me), and asked her, "Is this normal? I don't know where to go with these conversations!" She prudently said, "Well, don't start with how our father emotionally abandoned you when you were little." Feeling like I may have revealed TMI too soon, I did something I hadn't done in a long time...I got on my knees and prayed.
I let God know that I like this guy, and unlike what has been recently suggested to me by a special older brotherly co-worker of mine, I'm not hoping TRS is the one. "I want whatever God has for me," I replied when asked if I'm wanting TRS to be more than a friend. I know we've come back into each other's lives for a reason, but I wanted God to give me a clue as to why. So I prayed for the spirit of revelation. I asked God to reveal to me why we've come back into each other's lives at this time and how we're supposed to serve His purpose. I went to bed knowing that God would give me an answer in due time.
When TRS didn't call me on Thursday night, I thought I might have scared him off as my sister had suggested when she told me not to share the roots of one of my deepest emotional scars. I resisted the urge to call TRS and trusted that God would reveal the answer to the question I'd asked. When TRS texted me Friday, I was partially relieved and proceeded like a drug additcted politician exposed to the world.
We started talking and he let me know he'd spent a while listening to the song. He told me that the words of the song struck him because it revealed to him that every relationship he'd had with a woman (excluding his most recent ex-wife) had gone through the same thing I had which was captured in the lyrics. He told me he'd started questioning himself about why he's either attracted to women with those issues or they're attracted to him. He then told me he's always met women like that & tried to facilitate a reconciliation between the woman and her father, not understanding how she didn't have a good relationship with her father. He noted that my relationship with my father has been healed and I noted the pattern in his adult relationships with women.
"You're a serial monogamist," I announced to myself and to him. "What do you mean?" he asked. "You don't like to be alone," I said, "And you're the patron saint of emotionally unavailable women," I stated as I noted his pattern for choosing women who had "Daddy Issues". I then told him that I recognize it in him because I used to be the patron saint of emotionally unavailable men. I told him it was a position I held for years until I finally forgave my father and decided that I didn't want to be that way any more as it prevented me from being fully healthy and ready for an intimate relationship. I'm beginning to wonder if the reason God has reconnected us is because my new role is to be a serial killer...here to end his serial monogamy and finally have the healthy adult relationship with a man just as I've always wanted.
In grave detail, I told him how my father had essentially emotionally abandoned me after I had my first menses. I then told him how it emotionally scarred me and led to my numerous subsequent failed relationships with men, including the SJA who served as a surrogate father for my damaged spirit. I closed by telling him that my dad and I are fine now since I forgave him the day before Father's day last year after reading an article on forgiveness in Essence magazine at the SJAs house while waiting for my house to be shown. That was an ironic time for me to find closure to a wound that had been open for almost 20 years.
"So that was a lot of information," I flatly said to TRS, indicating that I was done sharing for the evening. He agreed and said he was processing the information. We said our good-nights and got off the phone. Then I remembered John Mayer's Grammy award winning song "Daughters" and decided to call TRS back. I told him that the song was one I'd fallen in love with shortly before I met the Norwegian who changed my life and that the lyrics summed up what I went through with my dad until that time, with healing only beginning after Katrina when I turned 31 and confronted my father about the abandonment.
"If there's anything I've learned from this it's that the man I want to be the father of any daughter I ever have will understand the words in that song," I professed. "I'm looking it up on the internet now," he declared. We said our good-nights again and my brain started working.
I thought about the conversation I had with one of my sisters last June after TRS & I spent the better part of a workday emailing each other back and forth as part of our re-introduction. I'd called my sister that week, told her the situation (particularly about his apparent interest in me), and asked her, "Is this normal? I don't know where to go with these conversations!" She prudently said, "Well, don't start with how our father emotionally abandoned you when you were little." Feeling like I may have revealed TMI too soon, I did something I hadn't done in a long time...I got on my knees and prayed.
I let God know that I like this guy, and unlike what has been recently suggested to me by a special older brotherly co-worker of mine, I'm not hoping TRS is the one. "I want whatever God has for me," I replied when asked if I'm wanting TRS to be more than a friend. I know we've come back into each other's lives for a reason, but I wanted God to give me a clue as to why. So I prayed for the spirit of revelation. I asked God to reveal to me why we've come back into each other's lives at this time and how we're supposed to serve His purpose. I went to bed knowing that God would give me an answer in due time.
When TRS didn't call me on Thursday night, I thought I might have scared him off as my sister had suggested when she told me not to share the roots of one of my deepest emotional scars. I resisted the urge to call TRS and trusted that God would reveal the answer to the question I'd asked. When TRS texted me Friday, I was partially relieved and proceeded like a drug additcted politician exposed to the world.
We started talking and he let me know he'd spent a while listening to the song. He told me that the words of the song struck him because it revealed to him that every relationship he'd had with a woman (excluding his most recent ex-wife) had gone through the same thing I had which was captured in the lyrics. He told me he'd started questioning himself about why he's either attracted to women with those issues or they're attracted to him. He then told me he's always met women like that & tried to facilitate a reconciliation between the woman and her father, not understanding how she didn't have a good relationship with her father. He noted that my relationship with my father has been healed and I noted the pattern in his adult relationships with women.
"You're a serial monogamist," I announced to myself and to him. "What do you mean?" he asked. "You don't like to be alone," I said, "And you're the patron saint of emotionally unavailable women," I stated as I noted his pattern for choosing women who had "Daddy Issues". I then told him that I recognize it in him because I used to be the patron saint of emotionally unavailable men. I told him it was a position I held for years until I finally forgave my father and decided that I didn't want to be that way any more as it prevented me from being fully healthy and ready for an intimate relationship. I'm beginning to wonder if the reason God has reconnected us is because my new role is to be a serial killer...here to end his serial monogamy and finally have the healthy adult relationship with a man just as I've always wanted.
posted by N'j at 2:20 AM
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