Pursuit Of Happiness
Today Shorty & I went to see IN PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS. I'd wanted Shorty to see it to reinforce what I've been trying to help my son understand all along and what I'd tried to explain to my parents in reply to them telling me while growing up about the key to happiness & success through getting a good education (go to college) so I could get a good job (working for someone else) paying good money (what the hell is good money anyway? For an answer read THE 9 STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM).
My mother tried to reinforce this lesson for me by playing LIFE. At the end of the game, I quickly learned that going to school increased my chances of being rich (which by one standard of the game was a measure of success). I also learned that doctors and lawyers (professions my parents encouraged me to pursue) tended to be more rich than others. But more importantly, I learned that entrepeneurs were the most financially wealthy at the end of the game. This was reinforced for me later in life when I learned that one will never be rich working for someone else and one doesn't need to go to college to become rich (read RICH DAD, POOR DAD).
I only learned these lessons after I went through an experience similar to that of Linda (the mom in the movie) and read the books suggested by a friend who'd witnessed the meltdown of my marriage which was over just before I turned 23. There I was...divorced, jobless, my scholarship had run out (I had to take out a loan for my last year in school) and I was on public assistance. My ex even had the nerve to collect the food stamps we'd been getting as a poverty laden family after we were no longer together. At the time I was shocked at his blantant disregard for our son's needs, but in retrospect I now know that it was just another example of his financial retardation. In the movie it's what Chris Gardner referred to of the time in his life as "stupid".
There were so many parallels between Linda & his experience to that of my ex & I that I sat through the movie with tears rolling down my face. When he repeatedly chased after those damn machines, it was my ex continually trying to run his own bakery out of our shody duplex (even though it was costing him more to make the cheesecakes than for which he was selling them). Every time Linda tore him down for the latest financially foolish thing he'd done I winced. I'd done the same numerous times as my ex spent money I didn't have (i.e. buying me an $800 Movado watch for our 1st anniversary when our rent was $350 and charging it to my credit card [his credit was so bad he couldn't even be added to my checking account shortly after we wed]). And as I watched Gardner's character pursue a non-paying internship with a brokerage firm, I realized that's where the parallels ended.
When I met my ex he was studying to become an architect. He was taking college algebra and needed help with his studies (he had a C and needed a higher grade to be admitted to the architecture school), so I tutored him for free. When we divorced, he was still pursuing a degree in architecture. For years after I'd moved on to start my career and support our son while he sporadically payed child support, he continued to rack up student loans as he studied architecture. The absence &/or minimal child support required was a constant point of contention during our conversations...especially when in an attempt to get ahead I worked a second job. As far as I know, he still hasn't graduated. My ex is no Chris Gardner.
Yesterday, I spent a better part of the work day on the phone with child support enforcement. My ex claims that he's now overpaid child support as ordered by the court, and I was trying to straighten things out. Every time he's said he was ahead in the past, I instinctively knew he was wrong. At the end of the conversation with the CSE agent, I learned that it's finally true. After 3 attempts in 10 years to have child support increased, I've filed a correction with the state, he's gotten credit for the time our son was with him in the summers, and I needed to hear from my ex-husband that he acknowledges the difficulties I went through in the 8 years while he was behind and gave me excuses as to why he wouldn't increase the needed payments. So I made the mistake of calling him.
We spent over an hour going over the situation, 'round and 'round until I got to the point where I just didn't want to talk about it any more. I finally realized that he's never going to know how his financially retarded choices set me back nor will he ever understand the difficulties it caused me because he's always going to think that from the beginning, I had some unfair financial advantage. I've struggled with letting go of the money he should've been paying when the child support he was ordered to pay didn't even cover child care. But I guess he's right that I did always have a financial advantage: I wasn't financially retarded, and neither was Chris Garnder.
Linda on the other hand, was spirtually challenged. She got hooked up with someone she couldn't really believe in which was why when Chris made financially stupid decisions, she went from iritated to down right cross. By remaining in her angry state while with Chris, she exhibited signs of spiritual retardation. At this point, I feel it would be spiritually detrimental to me to even think about what my life would've been like if my ex hadn't been so irresponsible and financially retarded, and I feel I'd certainly be spiritually retarded if I tried to get payment for the amount of child support he should've been paying while things were difficult for me starting out. I've pondered this question over and over again in the last 24 hours, "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" The answer has become simple...I can't hold on to the past and pursue happiness.
So I'm letting it go, praying that one day my ex has an epiphany of his own, realizes that even if I did have a financial advantage (i.e. a full scholarship to study chemical engineering) from the start of our relationship, it was because I earned it through hard work prior to our meeting, continued demonstrating that ethic during our marriage, and applied it after our divorce. Hopefully if he finally get's it he'll do me the favor of actually acknowledging it (a little acknowledgment goes a long way). In the meantime, I'm not going to continue to let someone else's (his financial retardation) issues affect my spiritual health. I can't afford it anymore. Doing so would infringe on my future pursuit of happiness.
My mother tried to reinforce this lesson for me by playing LIFE. At the end of the game, I quickly learned that going to school increased my chances of being rich (which by one standard of the game was a measure of success). I also learned that doctors and lawyers (professions my parents encouraged me to pursue) tended to be more rich than others. But more importantly, I learned that entrepeneurs were the most financially wealthy at the end of the game. This was reinforced for me later in life when I learned that one will never be rich working for someone else and one doesn't need to go to college to become rich (read RICH DAD, POOR DAD).
I only learned these lessons after I went through an experience similar to that of Linda (the mom in the movie) and read the books suggested by a friend who'd witnessed the meltdown of my marriage which was over just before I turned 23. There I was...divorced, jobless, my scholarship had run out (I had to take out a loan for my last year in school) and I was on public assistance. My ex even had the nerve to collect the food stamps we'd been getting as a poverty laden family after we were no longer together. At the time I was shocked at his blantant disregard for our son's needs, but in retrospect I now know that it was just another example of his financial retardation. In the movie it's what Chris Gardner referred to of the time in his life as "stupid".
There were so many parallels between Linda & his experience to that of my ex & I that I sat through the movie with tears rolling down my face. When he repeatedly chased after those damn machines, it was my ex continually trying to run his own bakery out of our shody duplex (even though it was costing him more to make the cheesecakes than for which he was selling them). Every time Linda tore him down for the latest financially foolish thing he'd done I winced. I'd done the same numerous times as my ex spent money I didn't have (i.e. buying me an $800 Movado watch for our 1st anniversary when our rent was $350 and charging it to my credit card [his credit was so bad he couldn't even be added to my checking account shortly after we wed]). And as I watched Gardner's character pursue a non-paying internship with a brokerage firm, I realized that's where the parallels ended.
When I met my ex he was studying to become an architect. He was taking college algebra and needed help with his studies (he had a C and needed a higher grade to be admitted to the architecture school), so I tutored him for free. When we divorced, he was still pursuing a degree in architecture. For years after I'd moved on to start my career and support our son while he sporadically payed child support, he continued to rack up student loans as he studied architecture. The absence &/or minimal child support required was a constant point of contention during our conversations...especially when in an attempt to get ahead I worked a second job. As far as I know, he still hasn't graduated. My ex is no Chris Gardner.
Yesterday, I spent a better part of the work day on the phone with child support enforcement. My ex claims that he's now overpaid child support as ordered by the court, and I was trying to straighten things out. Every time he's said he was ahead in the past, I instinctively knew he was wrong. At the end of the conversation with the CSE agent, I learned that it's finally true. After 3 attempts in 10 years to have child support increased, I've filed a correction with the state, he's gotten credit for the time our son was with him in the summers, and I needed to hear from my ex-husband that he acknowledges the difficulties I went through in the 8 years while he was behind and gave me excuses as to why he wouldn't increase the needed payments. So I made the mistake of calling him.
We spent over an hour going over the situation, 'round and 'round until I got to the point where I just didn't want to talk about it any more. I finally realized that he's never going to know how his financially retarded choices set me back nor will he ever understand the difficulties it caused me because he's always going to think that from the beginning, I had some unfair financial advantage. I've struggled with letting go of the money he should've been paying when the child support he was ordered to pay didn't even cover child care. But I guess he's right that I did always have a financial advantage: I wasn't financially retarded, and neither was Chris Garnder.
Linda on the other hand, was spirtually challenged. She got hooked up with someone she couldn't really believe in which was why when Chris made financially stupid decisions, she went from iritated to down right cross. By remaining in her angry state while with Chris, she exhibited signs of spiritual retardation. At this point, I feel it would be spiritually detrimental to me to even think about what my life would've been like if my ex hadn't been so irresponsible and financially retarded, and I feel I'd certainly be spiritually retarded if I tried to get payment for the amount of child support he should've been paying while things were difficult for me starting out. I've pondered this question over and over again in the last 24 hours, "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" The answer has become simple...I can't hold on to the past and pursue happiness.
So I'm letting it go, praying that one day my ex has an epiphany of his own, realizes that even if I did have a financial advantage (i.e. a full scholarship to study chemical engineering) from the start of our relationship, it was because I earned it through hard work prior to our meeting, continued demonstrating that ethic during our marriage, and applied it after our divorce. Hopefully if he finally get's it he'll do me the favor of actually acknowledging it (a little acknowledgment goes a long way). In the meantime, I'm not going to continue to let someone else's (his financial retardation) issues affect my spiritual health. I can't afford it anymore. Doing so would infringe on my future pursuit of happiness.
posted by N'j at 11:37 PM
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