A Reason To Live
I just finished watching IN HER SHOES again. Not to give away the ending, but I was reminded of my own car accident when I was 19. I was miserable. I was in intense pain. All I wanted was to die because I couldn't seem to manage my life. I wasn't in control. So I let go of the steering wheel as I symbolically let go of my life an hit an interstate overpass column going 75 mph. Even though the car flipped three times, I lived. I was disappointed that I'd failed again after attempting suicide for the 3rd time. When my parents brought me back to Pensacola we stopped by a grocery store. I wanted to get sleeping pills so I could finish the job and get it right for once.
When I'd first tried to kill myself in 9th grade, I'd taken 16 Sominex and laid down to sleep forever. The only reason I didn't was because my mother came home & I unexpectedly heard Kaniu's voice. She needed me to take care of him while she cooked dinner. I was holding my little nephew and decided to try to hold on.
My parents kept a watchful eye on me in the grocery store so I was never able to get the pills. When I got back to my apartment I looked at the picture of the car and realized that I really could've died. I spent time after that making a list of all the things I wanted to do before I died since I then realized God wasn't done with me. I decided then that I wanted to build a strong relationship with each of my sisters' children. They would be my reason for living. I also decided I wanted a child of my own. So I prayed to God for a beautiful and healthy child and got exactly what I prayed for.
After Shorty was born, I was severely depressed. Maybe it was post-partum depression, but I tried to kill myself again. My then husband called 911 and I had to spend a few days in the hospital. On the last day my then husband brought my infant son in to see me. I looked down in to those big blue eyes and decided I needed to live. I already knew I couldn't trust his father to raise him to be the kind of man he could become (look at the product).
My son is the only reason I didn't blow my own brains out this summer. I don't trust his father to raise him and create positive memories of me with my child. Shorty, my nephews, my neice, my sisters, my parents, & my God ordained purpose, are the only reasons I wake up every morning. I just wish my nephew had found a reason to live.
When I'd first tried to kill myself in 9th grade, I'd taken 16 Sominex and laid down to sleep forever. The only reason I didn't was because my mother came home & I unexpectedly heard Kaniu's voice. She needed me to take care of him while she cooked dinner. I was holding my little nephew and decided to try to hold on.
My parents kept a watchful eye on me in the grocery store so I was never able to get the pills. When I got back to my apartment I looked at the picture of the car and realized that I really could've died. I spent time after that making a list of all the things I wanted to do before I died since I then realized God wasn't done with me. I decided then that I wanted to build a strong relationship with each of my sisters' children. They would be my reason for living. I also decided I wanted a child of my own. So I prayed to God for a beautiful and healthy child and got exactly what I prayed for.
After Shorty was born, I was severely depressed. Maybe it was post-partum depression, but I tried to kill myself again. My then husband called 911 and I had to spend a few days in the hospital. On the last day my then husband brought my infant son in to see me. I looked down in to those big blue eyes and decided I needed to live. I already knew I couldn't trust his father to raise him to be the kind of man he could become (look at the product).
My son is the only reason I didn't blow my own brains out this summer. I don't trust his father to raise him and create positive memories of me with my child. Shorty, my nephews, my neice, my sisters, my parents, & my God ordained purpose, are the only reasons I wake up every morning. I just wish my nephew had found a reason to live.
posted by N'j at 12:19 PM
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