Respect Myself
If he died tonight, I’d feel sad that he was so insecure that he felt the need to try to manipulate me. If he died tonight, I’d still want the tape. What does the tape symbolize to me?
To me it symbolizes my attempt at loving him unconditionally and trying to make him happy while trying to make up for all the wrongs I’d done earlier in our relationship so he’d feel better about himself and know that I loved him, thinking we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Now that I know that’s not going to happen, and having had more than enough time to see him for who he is, I want it back. I don’t want him to have anything from me that could possibly leave me feeling vulnerable and give him any sense of power over me. More importantly, I don’t want him to have any tangible reminders of the night I tried to show him unconditional love and forgiveness because he doesn’t deserve it.
Now, forget about him. This is about me. I want to go back to Iowa knowing that I’ve been true to who I am now and not trying to protect or defend who I used to be. Whether he gives me the tape or not, I’m ready to say, “So What!?” if it ever comes out in public. I know that it was that time and that place in my life, certainly not who I am now. I’m ready to face him (if he has spine enough to face me) and straight out ask him for the tape instead of being the person I used to be who would’ve taken this opportunity to try to commandeer it without his knowledge or permission.
No matter what he does to try to irritate me, nor what he does without concern for whether it irritates me (and being the selfish jackass that he is and given our history [me spinelessly allowing him to treat me anyway that he liked and coming back for more because I didn’t know my own worth], he’s probably not thinking about how his behavior might affect me), I’m going to be true to myself so I can sleep at night, wake up in the morning, and stop fueling the sickness that drives him and this unhealthy relationship between us. I’m going to continue to treat him like a human being that deserves respect, even if he doesn’t deserve it…because in doing so, I respect myself.
To me it symbolizes my attempt at loving him unconditionally and trying to make him happy while trying to make up for all the wrongs I’d done earlier in our relationship so he’d feel better about himself and know that I loved him, thinking we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Now that I know that’s not going to happen, and having had more than enough time to see him for who he is, I want it back. I don’t want him to have anything from me that could possibly leave me feeling vulnerable and give him any sense of power over me. More importantly, I don’t want him to have any tangible reminders of the night I tried to show him unconditional love and forgiveness because he doesn’t deserve it.
Now, forget about him. This is about me. I want to go back to Iowa knowing that I’ve been true to who I am now and not trying to protect or defend who I used to be. Whether he gives me the tape or not, I’m ready to say, “So What!?” if it ever comes out in public. I know that it was that time and that place in my life, certainly not who I am now. I’m ready to face him (if he has spine enough to face me) and straight out ask him for the tape instead of being the person I used to be who would’ve taken this opportunity to try to commandeer it without his knowledge or permission.
No matter what he does to try to irritate me, nor what he does without concern for whether it irritates me (and being the selfish jackass that he is and given our history [me spinelessly allowing him to treat me anyway that he liked and coming back for more because I didn’t know my own worth], he’s probably not thinking about how his behavior might affect me), I’m going to be true to myself so I can sleep at night, wake up in the morning, and stop fueling the sickness that drives him and this unhealthy relationship between us. I’m going to continue to treat him like a human being that deserves respect, even if he doesn’t deserve it…because in doing so, I respect myself.
posted by N'j at 10:55 PM
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