Signed, Sealed, & Undelivered

I woke up at 5:30 this morning (again, when did I stop needing 8 hrs of sleep?!?!?) which I found interesting since if Don Carlos had come to visit this weekend would've been when his flight departed. I noted again how I'd spent the weekend absorbing how he ended up deciding not to come after I told him I like my current state of abstinance and had mixed feelings about his then impending visit. What I came to realize yesterday was my mixed feelings were about the ring I'd repeatedly told him he'd have to bring if he were to ever come up here:

1. While in Scotland, I'd come to the conclusion that even if he still decided to visit & bring a ring, I didn't want to marry him.
2. Even though I didn't want to marry him, I didn't want to spend the weekend anticipating his presentation of the ring just to be disappointed yet again.
3. The ring was my way of trying to get him to show me he's found value in me other than sex, and truthfully, I didn't know how I would tell him I didn't want it without looking like a total bitch.

After he commented that he'd never get any use of the $300+ ticket he bought to come here, I suggested he put that toward a ticket for me to go there and visit him instead this weekend. I then mulled over his reaction when I told him earlier this week that I wasn't going to NO this weekend because tickets were too expensive (even with his $300 contribution).

"Did you even look for a ticket?" he doubtedly asked. "Yes," I plainly replied, "but they were over $900 on the airline where you have a credit and over $400 for the cheapest one, which is out of my budget." I'd long ago decided I wouldn't pay to visit him. I'd paid enough emotionally, I sure as hell wasn't coming out of pocket to risk being disappointed.

I then told him I might be in NO for a week including the last weekend of jazzfest, sitting in for my boss at the annual EPA environmental summit. He told me to get back to him once my boss gave me the final word. She told me Friday afternoon that her boss said no because we're already sending my brother Scott as a plant rep. and he (her boss) doesn't want to spend any more than he has to on travel this fiscal year. So I called Don Carlos Friday afternoon to break the bad news. "So much for a free trip to New Orleans," he disappointedly lamented and abruptly added, "Well I'm meeting with my case study group, so I'll call you later." I wasn't very upset about not going to NO since my original motivation was to see John Mayer at the jazz festival, but now that my best friend & I are planning to go to NYC for the live earth concert in July, I can catch John Mayer there.

So when I woke up this morning I started thinking it's time to let it all go, and a question the Cuban asked me when he visited in December came to mind, "Have you forgiven him?" Although I've forgiven him mentally, when I stepped outside this morning the cool morning air reminded me of the family land in NC. I was then reminded of a girlfriend I once had (who reportedly now lives there) and something she tried to get me to do 5 years ago when I was last actively practicing abstinance. She tried to get me to write a brief letter of forgiveness to each man I'd had sex with as the first step to freeing myself. I couldn't do them all then. I made it through about half of them, but when it came to Carlos & my ex-husband, I was stuck. I'm now ready to get unstuck and write the letters.

I've found a template for letters of forgiveness and will complete Carlos' letter today. Since it's not for him but for me, I won't bother to drop it in the mail after I sign & seal it. I'll keep it as a contract with myself to remind me of one of the reasons I moved to Iowa in the first place...to get away from him so I could not just move, but move on.