Gravity
I was just listening to "Gravity" by John Mayer and thinking about tonight's DivorceCare session. One of the points made during the video session was divorce leads to grief of a loss. We were asked to write down what losses we incurred due to divorce. I listed the dream of a family unit and a single life partner first. Although I've since gotten over that loss, it's the second one I wrote down that's irked me so severely over the years: "Financial security and freedom". As I listened to the lyrics I was struck by why I've been so angry.
It hasn't just been the lack of child support, nor the absence of his father's presence to help me raise him, but my child's life itself...and the fact that I chose to give birth to him long before I was ready to become a mother. I didn't realize I was giving up my freedom when that little person was born. And I didn't realize I was permanently altering my life by tying myself to a man I instinctively knew was financially irresponsible and too self-centered to put his child first. I didn't realize I was giving up my dream of being free (both financially and physically) to pursue the life I knew I was born to live as I travelled the world. So although I've been angry with my child's father, I've actually been angry with myself...and for so many reasons.
1. Because I gave birth to our son without truly realizing what I was getting myself into.
2. Because I misjudged his father's purpose when it came to teaching our son about money (I thought he'd always be around to do the little things...like teach our child how to count money).
3. Because I realized that in choosing to give birth to our son I gave up my freedom to come and go as I pleased (i.e. travel), and was indirectly taking on the responsibility of teaching my ex about money.
Ultimately, it's the loss of my freedom I've been grieving all these years, and I didn't realize it until tonight. Shorty literally and figuratively represents the GRAVITY in my life. His life has been the short leash I put myself on when I chose to get pregnant with him. And in choosing to create his life with a man who wasn't (and still isn't) fully grown, I tied myself down to one and a half men, thereby stifling my kitely spirit which longs to fly free and roam.
It hasn't just been the lack of child support, nor the absence of his father's presence to help me raise him, but my child's life itself...and the fact that I chose to give birth to him long before I was ready to become a mother. I didn't realize I was giving up my freedom when that little person was born. And I didn't realize I was permanently altering my life by tying myself to a man I instinctively knew was financially irresponsible and too self-centered to put his child first. I didn't realize I was giving up my dream of being free (both financially and physically) to pursue the life I knew I was born to live as I travelled the world. So although I've been angry with my child's father, I've actually been angry with myself...and for so many reasons.
1. Because I gave birth to our son without truly realizing what I was getting myself into.
2. Because I misjudged his father's purpose when it came to teaching our son about money (I thought he'd always be around to do the little things...like teach our child how to count money).
3. Because I realized that in choosing to give birth to our son I gave up my freedom to come and go as I pleased (i.e. travel), and was indirectly taking on the responsibility of teaching my ex about money.
Ultimately, it's the loss of my freedom I've been grieving all these years, and I didn't realize it until tonight. Shorty literally and figuratively represents the GRAVITY in my life. His life has been the short leash I put myself on when I chose to get pregnant with him. And in choosing to create his life with a man who wasn't (and still isn't) fully grown, I tied myself down to one and a half men, thereby stifling my kitely spirit which longs to fly free and roam.
posted by N'j at 10:50 PM
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